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Moses vs Santa Claus
Moses vs Santa Claus is the twenty-seventh of the Epic Rap Battles of History series and the 12th installment of Season 2. It was released on December 10th, 2012. It featured the Jewish prophet, Moses, rapping against the magical figure of Christmas, Santa Claus. Cast Nice Peter as Santa Claus and the Announcer Snoop Lion as Moses EpicLLOYD as the Elves Monica Weitzel and Elena Diaz as Moses' Honeys (cameos) Lyrics Santa Claus: Sweet robes, Obi, wan-too-many days in the sun? Stop preaching, homie. Teach your flock to covet some fun! I bring joy every year. Man, I represent cheer! You represent sandals and a scraggly beard! I'm from the North Pole! That's why my rhymes are so cold! I spit diamonds, but I'm serving up some fresh coal! You been a naughty boy. You brought a plague of frogs. You best arrest yourself; you broke your own law! Or was there something in Rule Six I didn't understand? My list says, "Killed Egyptian dude, buried him in sand." I read your book. You got a strict religion. No bacon? But mandatory circumcision? I'm a jolly bowl a jelly, giving holiday presents. But all the chosen people ever get for Christmas is jealous! Moses: When I was high upon the mountain, God revealed the truths of the Earth. But he never mentioned a fat-ass Papa Smurf. It takes nine reindeers to haul your fat ass. You took the Christ outta Christmas and just added more mass. You need to stop breakin into houses and creeping and peeping On naughty kids while they sleeping and keep your hands off my stocking. Don't you Ho Ho me. I'll split your ass in half like I did the Red Sea. You ain't a saint, you a slaver, like a pharaoh in the snow. Stop with the unpaid labor and let my little people go. Elves: We ain't slaves! All that sand turned your brain to mush! Santa Claus: I think you need to stop smoking all that burning bush. Elves: Yeah, we're magical workers, man! We hang with reindeers. Yo, here's a GPS! Who gets lost for 40 years? Santa Claus: You're a glorified secretary, so write this down! Elves: Begat deez nutz! Santa Claus: Santa Claus is coming to town! Moses: So much drama in the Israe-L B.C. It's kinda hard talking directly to the G O single D. Hand me my chisel, I got a new commandizzle for y'all. Thou shalt not let children sit on a grown man's lap at the mall. I'll beat you ten times before the bread can rise, you dummy, And walk of into the land of my milk and honies. Scrapped lyrics Moses: I crossed deserts and scaled mountains with my staff How else do you think I got these two golden calves? This mofo aint got mojo like Moses Mo' money is yo' motivation and you know this I'm the prophet's prophet fo' sho' yo You're a prostitute for profit so ho ho ho You're a UPS man who doesn't get paid Watch out Santa cuz you're about to get sleighed You hang with elves and deer whose noses glow When I'm finished with my crew you'll be screaming, let my little people go I'm a prophet you're a fat saint named Nick I took my folks and led them out of Egyptian evil I'm talking Exodus, movement for Jew(ish?) people I'm a prophet who stayed on a mountain for 40 nights before I came off it You're a puppet for profit hungry rich motherfuckers stuffing their pockets Lay off the sweets fat man, you're hella chubby They should call your hood the land of way too much milk and honey Stay away from my chimney with your candy canes and peppermints Where I'm from that's called breaking and entering I'll sick my snake cane on you Without me there'd be no you Claus: You sleigh me? It took you forty years to make your people happy Christmas is the promised land so get the fuck out Have fun with Chanukah I'll deck your balls Trivia *This is the first battle to involve a religious figure rapping. **The first religious character to appear at all is Jesus Christ in Genghis Khan vs Easter Bunny. *This is the second battle to include an Egyptian Character (first was Cleopatra vs Marilyn Monroe). *This is the third rap to feature Holiday Figures (Santa Claus, Christopher Columbus, Easter Bunny, Moses). *This is the first rap battle to have a famous rapper portray a character (Snoop Lion). *This is the third battle to be made for a holiday, first two being Genghis Khan vs Easter Bunny and Columbus vs Captain Kirk. *Santa Claus's naughty list read the following: **Master Chief - Carries Guns, Repeated acts of violence **Mr. Rogers - Creepy. Rascist? (sic) **Moses - Killed Egyptian Dude, Buried him in sand **Mozart - Too Loud ***All of these characters had been in an ERB before apart from Mozart who appeared in a future battle. This may have been a hint towards Mozart vs Skrillex. *If you look closely at the stone tablet Moses carries in his second verse, "ERB" is written on the 5th line down. * This is also the only battle so far not to show the two rappers side-by-side. * This is the second battle which its thumbnail doesn't match the iTunes cover, the first being John Lennon vs Bill O'Reilly. ** It is the first battle to not show the rapper's faces on the iTunes cover, which is probably why the thumbnail is changed. * This is the fourth battle in which the characters do not dance during the "Who won? Who's next? You decide!" sequence, after John Lennon vs Bill O'Reilly, Nice Peter vs EpicLLOYD and Bruce Lee vs Clint Eastwood.